Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

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Mad_Scientist
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Post by Mad_Scientist » 3 years ago

Max.jpg
A WOMAN was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane ...
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay,
and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the
plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the
lady was blind because her Seeing Eye Dog lay quietly
underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire
flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name,
said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would
you like to get off and stretch your legs?'

The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Max would
Like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand-
still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the
plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying
to change airlines!
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Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 16 Jul 2014, 04:18, edited 38 times in total.


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Post by PistolPatch » 3 years ago

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Last edited by PistolPatch on 17 Jul 2014, 18:08, edited 38 times in total.
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Post by Mad_Scientist » 2 years ago

Of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be one of the best -- because it makes football make sense!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but
I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"


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Post by Lylo » 2 years ago

I decided to walk home one night after having a few at the local pub. I guess I wasn't walking to straight because a cop pulled up beside me and asked me where I was going? I told him that I was on my way to a lecture. He says " who gives lectures at this time of night?".
I said " my wife"
AWOL

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Mad_Scientist
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Post by Mad_Scientist » 2 years ago

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.

"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"

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Post by mally » 2 years ago

Husband tells his blond wife about the terrible tragedy of a Brazilian that died in a plane crash.
Holy crap she says! How many is a Brazilian?
G B
I spent lots of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I squandered
I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep
I ONCE gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life

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Post by thughes » 2 years ago

WWBBD?

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Post by Mad_Scientist » 2 years ago

So, just to be clear, she looks good in black also, :)

https://youtu.be/UnmNVl2N834

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Post by Mad_Scientist » 1 year ago

You're at a login screen. If your PIN doesn't log you in on the first try, what should you do? Duh :lol:
Got PIN.png
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Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 11 May 2016, 06:51, edited 38 times in total.

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Post by BobBrews » 1 year ago

Funny but sad. I forgot my password to check my messages on my first cellphone. I called for help to reset it and they kept telling me "its easy" just log in change it? I forgot it! I can't log in! "it's all in the manual, just read it" they said. "Fuck you" I said!
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Post by PistolPatch » 1 year ago

Richard and Bob,

Are the above posts US things? Maybe my brain isn't working but, I've had a couple of reads, and still don't "get it."

I hate missing out on any humour - what am I missing???

:dunno:
Pat (the dim-witted).
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Post by mally » 1 year ago

Jesus H F*****g christ Pat am I glad you asked that! (sorry for the poor French by the way).

I have read that about 10 times and still dont get it. I did laugh to myself though pretending to get it so that I didnt look too stupid :lol:

mally (also part of the dim witted club)
G B
I spent lots of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I squandered
I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep
I ONCE gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life

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Post by BobBrews » 1 year ago

Mally, and Pat. :peace:

Whats to understand? I lost or forgot my password. I want to fix the problem so the computer wants me to log in to change my password! I can't log in. I forgot the password. How can I log in if I forgot it? Basic common sense stalemate.

My old cellphone keeps telling me that I have voicemail's. I try to log in with different passwords that I have used in the past. Nothing lets me in. I called the cellphone company telling them that I can't get my voicemail's because I forgot the password. They tell me that all I have to do is log in and change the password!! I can't log in because I don't have the stupid password. That's the problem! "It's in the manual??" they say. "just log in and change it!"

I told them to just cancel out my voicemail and reinstate it. I will then be prompted to enter a password as if its a new account. They said "they can't do that?" I have a existing account! So now I bought a new phone so that I can access my voicemail except I can't set up the new voicemail because the new phone can't pick up a tower from home. I will have to do it while in town but I never remember to do it because I am to stupid to remember or write myself a note! I will probably forget to write the new password down and be in the same boat as the old phone.

If it still doesn't make sense? Don't worry about it. Just call and leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I can.

BobBrews :idiot:
Last edited by BobBrews on 13 May 2016, 22:44, edited 38 times in total.
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Post by joshua » 1 year ago

Bob, is this a "Senior Minute", or are you going to "Senior Hour"??
Honest Officer, I swear to Drunk, I am Not God.

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Post by BobBrews » 1 year ago

joshua wrote:Bob, is this a "Senior Minute", or are you going to "Senior Hour"??
Minutes into hours and hours into days. (or is it daze?)

Yes it is Senior minutes. Every male on my fathers side (oh and females too) died from Alzheimer's. At least that's what I remember (I think?) So it worries me no end. But as I go along it worries me less because I forget to worry about it more! Is that clear? :think:

Enjoy life. :party: :drink:
Last edited by BobBrews on 13 May 2016, 22:59, edited 38 times in total.
tap 1 Raspberry wine
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Post by joshua » 1 year ago

Bob, Do Not Worry about Alzheimer's.

If you get it, Every Morning you will meet New Very Friendly people, who call you By Name, and seem to know everything you Need.
Honest Officer, I swear to Drunk, I am Not God.

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Post by BobBrews » 1 year ago

Thanks Joshua! I'll remember that! (maybe?)
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Post by PistolPatch » 1 year ago

Lol :lol:
mally wrote:Jesus H F*****g christ Pat am I glad you asked that! (sorry for the poor French by the way).

I have read that about 10 times and still dont get it. I did laugh to myself though pretending to get it so that I didnt look too stupid :lol:

mally (also part of the dim witted club)
I'm still lost mally. I think Richard and Bob are smoking the same hops :smoke: :whistle: :dunno:.
Last edited by PistolPatch on 14 May 2016, 10:31, edited 38 times in total.
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Post by Mad_Scientist » 1 year ago

:smoke:

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Post by BobBrews » 1 year ago

Nice pic's. No wonder your such a brilliant brewer! Maybe you are not so Mad after all?
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Re: Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

Post by PistolPatch » 5 months ago

Can we brewers make a "black and tan" using this technique? :shock:
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Re: Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

Post by Mad_Scientist » 5 months ago

This post from last year was funny.

You're at a login screen. Your PIN doesn't log you in, what should you do?

You see a phone number to call on the page, BUT NOT THE "FORGOT PIN?" button. :headhit:

That's job security I guess... :drink:
Forgot PIN.JPG
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Re: Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

Post by jhough » 5 months ago

Richard....... Do you think Pat & Mally will finally get the joke now ??? :luck:


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Re: Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

Post by Streamer » 2 months ago

Hope this shows up
The Duplex.jpg
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Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.

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