Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

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Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

Post by BIABrewer » 7 years ago

Please place anything of humour into this thread. To keep it interesting, a moderator will, from time to time clean the thread whilst leaving the original humour in place.

Whilst brewers are in general a fairly tolerant lot, double-check before posting that your post is funny rather than potentially offensive.


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Post by Beachbum » 7 years ago

As with other forums I'm on, I reckon this should be a continuing jokes thread, for those old favourites that don't need a whole thread each :idea:


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Post by Beachbum » 7 years ago

So a cowboy strides into a saloon in Dodge City, stark naked. The barman yells, hey cowboy you can't come in here in that condition, what's the story?

"Well, I was out in the badlands by myself and I got dry-gulched by Calamity Jane pointing a Colt 45 at me. And she was completely naked.

Take your shirt off Cowboy
So I did
Take your boots and pants off Cowboy
So I did
Take your longjohns off Cowboy
So I did

Now go to Town

And here ah is."


*****************************************

So a little stray dog wanders into a saloon in Dodge City and a drunk cowboy shoots it in the foot. It runs out into the night yelping.

Three months later the dog returns to the saloon, in full gunfighter gear with two Colt 45s strapped to his belt. Locking the Saloon Door behind him he strides into the centre of the room. The barman asks "What you doing here again little dog?"

"Ah've come to git the man that shot mah paw"


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Post by PistolPatch » 7 years ago

Ah, BB, you've started the jokes thread off with a, "walked into the saloon," one :). I can see those being told in the Queensland hills after way too many beers :lol:.

I'll try a, "walked into the bar," one...
A freeway walks into a bar and says, "I'm tough and hard. I've had 500,000 vehicles drive over me today including 50,000 trucks. Give me two pints and a bottle of scotch and make it fast."

The barman snaps to attention and brings the highway's drinks at breakneck speed. The highway glares at him and sculls his pints of beer. Just as he's just getting settled into his bottle of scotch, a little strip of red asphalt comes slithering into the bar.

The highway suddenly freaks out, jumps behind the bar, and huddles there shaking. The bartender says, "What's the matter with you, you big pussy!? You're 4 lanes wide with broad shoulders and he's just a little strip of pavement!"

The highway says, "Are you kidding? He's a friggin' cyclepath!"
Last edited by PistolPatch on 08 Sep 2010, 19:35, edited 42 times in total.
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Post by PistolPatch » 7 years ago

Now that we have had a few tame ones I am hoping we can venture out now :).
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit! They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did until she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties whilst he continued on to his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night :(.

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties. He was also in his birthday suit but now he was also wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I'd just like to offer you my deepest condolences."
Last edited by PistolPatch on 08 Sep 2010, 19:44, edited 40 times in total.
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Post by SacSoul » 7 years ago

PistolPatch wrote:Now that we have had a few tame ones I am hoping we can venture out now :).
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit! They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did until she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties whilst he continued on to his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night :(.

The following night was the same - she stood there wearing the black panties. He was also in his birthday suit but now he was also wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I'd just like to offer you my deepest condolences."
Haha! I got a good laugh out of this one. Lets see if I can get this one right:

Two women were drinking tea together one afternoon idly chit-chatting. Eventually the topic of their kids came up. The first women said to the second, "When I had my first child, my husband rewarded me with this diamond necklace."

"Well how nice," replied the second woman.

The first woman then said, "When I had my second child, my husband gave me that beautiful car you see sitting over there."

"Well how nice," replied the second woman.

The first woman continued, "When I had my third child, my husband gave me this gorgeous house sitting behind us."

"Well how nice," replied the second.

"So, child, what did your husband do for you when you had your children?" asked the first.

"Well," replied the second, "when I had my first child, my husband told me that he loved me. When I had my second child my husband gave me a pat on the back. And when I had my third child, my husband paid for a class for me."

"A class?" asked the first woman confused.

"Yes, a class. I used to have a problem saying 'fark you,' but now I say 'well how nice.' "
Last edited by SacSoul on 08 Sep 2010, 21:50, edited 40 times in total.
Arrogant Bastard Ale: "...Perhaps you think multi-million dollar ad campaigns make a beer taste better. Perhaps you're mouthing your words as you read this."


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Post by Beachbum » 7 years ago

Did you hear about the masochist who loved to take cold showers so he didn't.

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Post by SacSoul » 7 years ago

This one is great when it elicits a response from someone:

This is a call to *BAN* dihydrogen monoxide, otherwise know as the invisible, killer substance. Jupiter Scientific's science joke webpage is probably not the place to post this protest, but the JS staff feels very strongly about this issue. For your information, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO in its liquid form, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes tissue damage and contact with its gaseous form causes burns. DHMO use is widespread. For those who have become dependent on it, DHMO withdrawal means death. DHMO can be an environmental hazard: it is a major component of acid rain, contributes to the "greenhouse effect", leads to the erosion of natural landscapes and hastens the corrosion of most metals. Being so prevalent (quantities are found in every stream, lake and reservoir), DHMO contamination is at epidemic proportions. Despite the dangers, DHMO is often used as an industrial solvent, as a fire retardant, in nuclear power plants and (can you believe this) in certain food products. Companies dump waste dihydrogen monoxide into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. STOP THE HORROR NOW! The American government and the United Nations have refused to ban the production, distribution or use of this chemical due to its "economic importance." The navy and certain other military organizations are highly dependent on DHMO for various purposes. Military facilities receive tons of it through a sophisticated underground distribution network. It is also stored in large quantities for military emergencies. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE! You can help. Act *NOW* to prevent further contamination. Write your representatives. Start and sign petitions. Send e-mails. Inform your friends about the dangers. What you don't know *CAN* hurt you and every individual throughout the world
Arrogant Bastard Ale: "...Perhaps you think multi-million dollar ad campaigns make a beer taste better. Perhaps you're mouthing your words as you read this."

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Post by redlegger » 7 years ago

Hey everyone, i havent been on in a while, but im back from holidays and work trips now! So im back on board :)
I just had to post this, if there ever was a reason to start brewing, surely this must be it!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of beer or wine...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poo
Beer/Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink beer or wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!
"I like beer. On occasion, I will even drink beer to celebrate a major event such as the fall of Communism or the fact that the refrigerator is still working.”Dave Berry


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Post by PistolPatch » 7 years ago

Great to have you back on board RL - have been wondering where you were.

Two water jokes in a row. My goodness, it's a flood! :roll:
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Post by Lylo » 6 years ago

2 nuts wak into a bar.
One was a salted :dunno:
AWOL

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Post by Mad_Scientist » 6 years ago

Let's All Go Down to the River.....
A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said , "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Post by mordantly » 6 years ago

so.. two guys walked into a bar. i thought the second would have ducked.

two nuns walk into a bar.. i thought they could read the sign.
MoRdAnTlY [Mr. Wolf '91 - '11]

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Post by Yeasty » 6 years ago

Here's a Text to save as a draft in your mobile phone/Cell and use when you are down the pub and get a text from your other half asking when you will be home.

Hi Hun
Just having one more drink and should be home in about 30 minutes.
If I'm not home in 30 minutes please read this text again.

Luv Ya XXXXXX


Only works the once though :shoot:

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Last edited by Yeasty on 09 Sep 2011, 04:16, edited 40 times in total.
Why is everyone talking about "Cheese"

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Post by Ziggybrew » 6 years ago

A A guy from Scotland went on vacation to Cuba. He decided to check out the local bar. In walked a guy with a fuzzy black beard and ordered a double scotch whiskey. He tossed it back and proceeded to walk out. The bar tender hollered out, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that?" The man turned and said, "Castro's Army." "Oh excuse me sir, have a good day", the bar tender said.
Another guy walked in with a fuzzy black beard and ordered a scotch, drank it and walked out saying, "Castro's Army". The bartender smiled and said, "have a good day sir". This happened several times.
The Scotsman walked up and ordered a triple scotch whiskey and tossed it back then quickly headed for the door. The bar tender yelled, "you gotta pay for that!" He turned and said, "Castro's Army" The bartender glared and said, "then where is your black beard?" Thinking quick, he lifted his kilt and said, "Secret Service"


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Post by Lylo » 6 years ago

Good work Pat but watch out!

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.

REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!
AWOL


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Post by Lylo » 6 years ago

One more one and then I have to go to work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry? The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing. The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!
AWOL


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Post by Lylo » 6 years ago

• An arctic seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?” asks the bartender. “anything but a Canadian Club” said the seal.
• A dude walks into a bar in Detroit, in Michigan, and asks the barkeep, “What’s the fastest way to get to Dearborn?” “Are you walking or driving?” asks the barkeep. “Driving,” says the dude. “That’s the quickest way,” says the barkeep.
AWOL

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Post by olaboss » 6 years ago

This was in the time when cell phones were fairly new. A man was visiting a bathing house in Germany. A lot of men sat around red faced and with white towels wrapped around them. The man noticed that they all had their cell phones under their towels and they took them out and talked loudly when they got called. This happened a lot and the man got irritated so he walked to the bathroom and stuffed some toilet paper in his crack and walked out again where the men were sitting. One man tried to be helpful and pointed to the paper hanging from the mans crack and quietly said "you have paper back there"
Oh the man said loudly, I must be receiving a fax.
Copying from a single source is called plagiarism, copying from multiple source is called research


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Post by Lylo » 6 years ago

A friend is someone you can call to bail you out of jail.
A true friend is sitting on the cell bench right beside you!
AWOL

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Post by Mad_Scientist » 6 years ago

7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time,and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for too long.When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you...'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7 th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex . * You get a little each month.But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own

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Post by Yeasty » 5 years ago

Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.

Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew.

Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said, "You dunce, now we have to piss in the boat."
Why is everyone talking about "Cheese"

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Post by Yeasty » 5 years ago

Q: How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
Why is everyone talking about "Cheese"

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Post by BobBrews » 5 years ago

Bob and Pat went out to the country to try their hand at fishing. They had great luck and pulled in one fish after another. They decided to come back again. "Lets mark the spot" Pat said so he pulled out a pencil and scratched a big X on the bottom of the boat. Bob yelled "are you stupid"? "How do you know we will rent the same boat next time"?
tap 1 Raspberry wine
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tap 4 Triple IPA 11% ABV

Pipeline: Mulled Cider 10% ABV

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Post by joshua » 5 years ago

God Day and Happy New Year, For all you who forgot beer jokes, see this link http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/q ... jokes.html and have a great 2012!
Honest Officer, I swear to Drunk, I am Not God.

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