Jokes, Forwards & Humourous Links

A more social area to talk about brewing or anything else you like. You can even just rant and ramble to yourself here. ;)

BrickBrewHaus
Gold
Gold
Posts: 383
Joined: 7 years ago
Location: Champaign, IL
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by BrickBrewHaus » 6 years ago

After a dump over the weekend, Valdez resident Kevin Kimber said he had to crawl out of his upstairs window to get out.
Take a guess what is being written about in this MSNBC.com article posted today.

Answer here.

:idiot: :headhit: :blush:
Last edited by BrickBrewHaus on 10 Jan 2012, 01:36, edited 40 times in total.


joshua
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 2663
Joined: 7 years ago
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by joshua » 5 years ago

Good Day, You know you're a homebrewer if . . .

http://www.tastybrew.com/humor/
Honest Officer, I swear to Drunk, I am Not God.


Lylo
Gold
Gold
Posts: 1218
Joined: 6 years ago
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by Lylo » 5 years ago

The Sweetness of Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and
paaaarrrrty with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, etc.

All that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop ... But at the
bar... You know... They have frozen glasses"

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious. I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven, and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar...You know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that ."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR
ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK UP YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG,
AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO
ANY $#%&*# DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And ... They lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story

MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING!
AWOL

User avatar

thughes
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1206
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Western NY
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City: Rochester

Post by thughes » 5 years ago

....and that explains why I am divorced. :whistle:
WWBBD?

User avatar

hashie
Gold
Gold
Posts: 1451
Joined: 7 years ago
Location: Bendigo, Victoria
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by hashie » 5 years ago

:) Nice one Lylo, I enjoyed reading that.
"It's beer Jim, but not as we know it."

User avatar

thughes
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1206
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Western NY
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City: Rochester

Post by thughes » 5 years ago

Last edited by thughes on 02 Apr 2012, 07:53, edited 40 times in total.
WWBBD?


stux
Gold
Gold
Posts: 1284
Joined: 7 years ago
Location: Lower Blue Mountains, NSW, Australia
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by stux » 5 years ago

thughes wrote:The ultimate BIAB:

http://morebeer.com/view_product/20769
That's so yesterday!
Last edited by stux on 02 Apr 2012, 13:33, edited 40 times in total.
Fermenting: -
Cubed: -
Stirplate: -
On Tap: NS Summer Ale III (WY1272), Landlord III (WY1469), Fighter's 70/- II (WY1272), Roast Porter (WY1028), Cider, Soda
Next: Munich Helles III

5/7/12


PistolPatch
Gold
Gold
Australia
Posts: 5295
Joined: 7 years ago
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Region: Oceania
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by PistolPatch » 5 years ago

Some good advice for the upcoming Olympians below. And yes, the links below are real :lol: :lol: :lol:.

Subject: Veet Hair Removal Gel Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20,673 of 20,801 people found the following review helpful
DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R231U4ZG ... 279-026640
24 Jan 2012 By Andrew

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did
was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The
bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured
bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes
against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don't
have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.

(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my
bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)

2,652 of 2,693 people found the following review helpful
LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/R2PY4YXN ... 279-026640
17 April 2012 By The Cantankerous Tiger

I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman's log cabin, so for the
past few years I've used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which
means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I'm sure
you've realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to
the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the
pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I'm going to
estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than
childbirth.

Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying
your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor
blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This
product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should
point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of
organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even
on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I've spent the last
four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman's arse, all to no avail. My
tinkywinkleton hasn't even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit
harsh, it's only because I wanted children.

All in all an effective and reasonably priced product.

1,239 of 1,264 people found the following review helpful
Increased Sports Performance Bonus
http://www.amazon.co.uk/review/RJ7V9QIN ... 79-0266405
24 April 2012 By Tagnutt Mandeville

As a highly competitive amateur athlete, I have long been aware of the
benefits of a highly polished scrotum pole and hair-free saddle-bags,
especially when going for the `longer look' as displayed by Linford in his
famous lunchbox.

Previously I had used the old-school method of a cutthroat razor, but as you
can imagine, this was a tricky and delicate operation, and to make matters
worse, it was difficult to get into a comfortable position in the chair at
my local Barbers. Anyway, I am quite hairy down there and my snippet valve
looks like Brian May's plughole so eventually the Barber said he could no
longer perform the task for me. He also said that looking up my whizzer
every Saturday at 11:30 put him off his lunch, as he usually has
toad-in-the-hole followed by chocolate-coated donuts as a Saturday treat.

He did not want to leave me in the lurch and said that he had read some
excellent reviews on Amazon about Veet for men and suggested I give it try.

Like many other reviewers, I made the mistake of not reading the bumph
properly; I used the whole tube and completely coated my cock eggs, barse
and nipsy with the stuff. Anyway, I lost track of time, and it was the foul
stench of dissolving clinkers and melting hair that brought me to my senses.
As I looked at my watch through the putrid fog that had formed around me, I
could see that it had been applied for exactly 5 minutes 59 seconds. This
presented me with a problem, as when the searing pain began, I was outside
my flat, sat in the communal gardens, in a deck chair precisely 100 meters
and 3 flights of stairs away from my bathroom. It was as if I had lowered my
under-carriage through a volcano and into Hades, whereupon Beelzebub,
annoyed by the uninvited intrusion, jabbed me in the rectum with his fork.

I took off from the deckchair like Usain Bolt out of the TV adverts. Within
12 seconds, the bathroom was filled with steamy fetid barse broth, and I had
the clock weights, biffin's-bridge and Sherriff's badge under ice-cold
running water at the tap end of the bath. This did not please the missus, as
she was relaxing in there at the time surrounded by floating petals and
candles, although she did say that the sight of my ringpiece flashing like a
brake light was impressive, and she was pleased to see that my arse
barnacles had all but disappeared.

When I looked at my watch again, I realised how quickly I had made it up the
stairs and the idea dawned on me that I had discovered a 100% legal sports
performance enhancer. Now when I compete in a competition I dab a small
amount around my Samantha Janus and taint exactly 6 minutes before the race
is due to start. If I am doing the hurdles, I change the ratio and put more
on my barse to make me jump higher. This proved to be particularly effective
a couple of weeks ago, as after crossing the hurdles finish line, I
accidentally won the high jump and steeple chase too, looking for the water
jump to wash the stuff off.

Now I can hear you all thinking that none of this is particularly
extraordinary, especially given the reviews that you have already read.
However, when I tell you that I am 45 years old, 5' 4" tall and weigh 15
stone, and I used to do the shot-put that should put things into context. As
this is an Olympic year I think Tagnutt and Mandeville or whatever their
names are, should be redesigned with hairless nether-regions and the British
squad should use my technique and be sponsored by Veet, although I don't
recommend it for the beach volley ball team.

:)
Last edited by PistolPatch on 29 Jun 2012, 19:37, edited 40 times in total.
If you have found the above or anything else of value on BIABrewer.info, consider supporting us by getting some BIPs!


joshua
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 2663
Joined: 7 years ago
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by joshua » 4 years ago

Good Day, from the TV show Fringe.....

A Man asks his Doctor, "If I just up Beer, Women, and Song, will I live Longer???"

The Dosctor replied " No, it will just seem alot longer."
Honest Officer, I swear to Drunk, I am Not God.

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

BobBrews wrote:Holy Crap batman!
what-are-the-funniest-cat-memes-509881142-dec-5-2012-1-600x450.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 21 Feb 2013, 07:59, edited 41 times in total.

User avatar

GuingesRock
Gold
Gold
Posts: 511
Joined: 5 years ago
Location: Canada, Formerly UK
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by GuingesRock » 4 years ago

Did you make that MS. Looks like your work.
Guinges

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

I think you have a drinking problem when...
A0bPJ_qCEAEI1ij.jpg
BDVR3ckCQAAOhVA.jpg
You start seeing images in your beer...
AylMN-ICQAAS2KY.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 21 Feb 2013, 08:14, edited 40 times in total.

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

I like to throw one back just as much as anyone else
enhanced-buzz-9242-1336760809-11.jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 21 Feb 2013, 08:29, edited 40 times in total.

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

GuingesRock wrote:Did you make that MS. Looks like your work.
Yes, from left over voile.
Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 21 Feb 2013, 08:31, edited 40 times in total.

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

smartest-old-man-the-world-smart-demotivational-posters-1355481286(1).jpg
You do not have the required permissions to view the files attached to this post.
Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 21 Feb 2013, 08:34, edited 38 times in total.

User avatar

GuingesRock
Gold
Gold
Posts: 511
Joined: 5 years ago
Location: Canada, Formerly UK
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by GuingesRock » 4 years ago

Great pictures! especially the keyhole and the face in the bottle.
Guinges

User avatar

mally
Gold
Gold
Great Britain
Posts: 1329
Joined: 5 years ago
Location: Stoke on Trent, UK
Region: Europe
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City: Stoke on Trent

Post by mally » 4 years ago

What face?? ;)
G B
I spent lots of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I squandered
I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep
I ONCE gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside:
picturesque with it's painted white clapboards and high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church's paint was getting a bit
shabby and peeling. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale at
the local hardware store, and the next day, he went into town and bought
three gallons of white latex, then went back to the church and began the job.

Having completed the first side, he stood back and admired his work. It was
looking great. But he noticed that he had already used over one gallon. He
didn't want to go all the way back into town, so he figured that if he just
thinned the paint a little, it might last long enough to finish the other
three sides. So he added a gallon of water to each of the remaining gallons, and continued painting.

It worked out great. He finished the last three sides with the remaining paint.

That night, it rained: and it rained HARD. The next morning when he stepped
outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was
still looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "LORD, What shall I do?"

A voice came back from the heavens saying,


"Repaint, and thin no more!" :lol:

A 50-50 dilution is too high, I reckon :lol:


joshua
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 2663
Joined: 7 years ago
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by joshua » 4 years ago

A man walked into a Bar......and said, "Damn that hurt".

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

So a guy walks into a bar, looking really moody and orders immediately a double-whiskey. Then he starts rambling on about how lousy a wife he's got, until the bartender finally says: "You know, I don't understand what you're complaining about. All the other guys in here only have compliments about your wife."

So.... a baby seal walked into a club...

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A young Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. Got any ID? asks the bartender. The Texan replies, About what?

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Thank you, Thank you, I'll be here all week!!
Honest Officer, I swear to Drunk, I am Not God.

User avatar

GuingesRock
Gold
Gold
Posts: 511
Joined: 5 years ago
Location: Canada, Formerly UK
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by GuingesRock » 4 years ago

Can you come up with any BIAB jokes Joshua?

Bit early in the morning here so my attempts are a bit pathetic:

Empty vessels make the most noise, so three vessel brewers make more noise.

Why did the BIAB brewer yelp? - someone else pulled his bag.

What does EOBV-A mean?...F**k knows :) (just kidding PP)
Guinges

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

A bag falls down a vessel and turns into a beer. :lol:

User avatar

GuingesRock
Gold
Gold
Posts: 511
Joined: 5 years ago
Location: Canada, Formerly UK
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by GuingesRock » 4 years ago

Mad_Scientist wrote:A bag falls down a vessel and turns into a beer. :lol:
:lol: MS you are mad! concentrate on the science :lol: or both. I'm enjoy both your madness and your science. Especially with a glass of beer :party:
Last edited by GuingesRock on 20 Apr 2013, 07:12, edited 39 times in total.
Guinges

User avatar

Mad_Scientist
Gold
Gold
United States of America
Posts: 1686
Joined: 6 years ago
Location: Panhandle of Florida, USA
Region: USA & Canada
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Mad_Scientist » 4 years ago

3 vessels walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

--------------------

1 vessel walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Nice bag"

User avatar

GuingesRock
Gold
Gold
Posts: 511
Joined: 5 years ago
Location: Canada, Formerly UK
Region: Please select one...
Preferred Brewing Method: Please select one from below...
City:

Post by GuingesRock » 4 years ago

:lol:

Three vessels flips his lids and and walks out. One vessel flips his lid and walks out. They bump into each other outside with a clash and a bang. Then Nuff comes along, he’s drunk again. You can tell he’s drunk because he’s singing Irish songs, with a slurred voice and an Australian accent.

They all go back into the bar for a pint.
Guinges

User avatar

Yeasty
Gold
Gold
Great Britain
Posts: 1363
Joined: 7 years ago
Location: Bolton Lancs UK
Region: Europe
Preferred Brewing Method: Single-Vessel All-Grain (SVA)
City:

Post by Yeasty » 4 years ago

A polar bear walks into a bar.
He stands there for 5 minutes just staring at the barman not saying a word.
Finally he orders a beer.
and the barman says " Hey what's with the big paws"
Why is everyone talking about "Cheese"

Post Reply

Return to “General Chit-Chat, Nonsense & Rambles”

Brewers Online

Brewers browsing this forum: No members and 7 guests