Post #51 made 5 years ago
A man walks into a pub and asks the barman for a lager.
The barman says, "Lager’s off just now, we’re waiting on the barrels being delivered."
The man says, "OK then, I'll have a rum and coke."
After drinking his rum and coke, he goes back to the bar and asks again for a lager.
Once again the barman says that they don’t have any, so the man orders a screwdriver.
He drinks his screwdriver. He then goes back and asks yet again for a lager. The barman says "Look, if you take the rum out of a rum and coke, what do you have?"
The man replies, "Coke."
"If you take the vodka out of a screwdriver, what do you have?"
The man replies, "Orange juice."
"Now, if you take the flame out of lager, what do you have?"
The man looks puzzled, "There is no flame in lager."
The barman replies, "That’s what I've been trying to tell you!"
Honest Officer, I swear to Drunk, I am Not God.
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Post #52 made 5 years ago
There is a vessel that is filled with water ready to heat, and there is a vessel with a false bottom ready to mash, and there is a vessel ready for the boil. Now be careful, 99% of homebrewers get this wrong, how many vessels do you have?

EDIT: You also have a vessel to ferment in...
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Post #54 made 5 years ago
Mad_Scientist wrote:There is a vessel that is filled with water ready to heat, and there is a vessel with a false bottom ready to mash, and there is a vessel ready for the boil. Now be careful, 99% of homebrewers get this wrong, how many vessels do you have?

EDIT: You also have a vessel to ferment in...
Tricky one :think: If I had anything to do with it MS there is one vessel for all of that, including fermentation. Probably puts me in the 99% who fail the test :sad:
Last edited by GuingesRock on 23 Apr 2013, 21:28, edited 38 times in total.
Guinges

Post #55 made 5 years ago
Just found these reviews whilst searching for the correct product to threaten the groom with on a Stag weekend that's coming up ( Honest !! :argh: ). Funny and also made me reconsider.

linky
Last edited by Yeasty on 29 Apr 2013, 18:22, edited 38 times in total.
Why is everyone talking about "Cheese"
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Post #56 made 5 years ago
Joke for Hugo Carvalho
A blonde was watching the news and hears that two Brazilian men died in a plane crash. She cried and asked "Oh my gosh, how many is a brazilian?!
AWOL

Post #60 made 4 years ago
Great fun! I guess? I wouldn't like all my friends spying on me with his wife? I mean my wife!
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tap 2 Bourbon Barrel Porter
tap 3 Czech Pilsner
tap 4 Triple IPA 11% ABV

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Post #61 made 4 years ago
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. " How are you grandpa? he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, " I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed
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Post #62 made 4 years ago
drinking around the world.jpg
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Last edited by mally on 25 Sep 2013, 14:50, edited 38 times in total.
G B
I spent lots of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I squandered
I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep
I ONCE gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life
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Post #63 made 4 years ago
Happy Halloween all ya'll.

Glass carboys are scary enough just to look at, that's why I ferment in a corny. :lol:

For you risk takers, DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY INTO YOUR CARBOY.
1452376_10153399880945508_1855255973_n.jpg
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Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 01 Nov 2013, 03:32, edited 38 times in total.
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Post #64 made 4 years ago
We cooked two turkeys this year for Thanksgiving holiday, one we followed the cooking directions which said, "let the bird chill in the sink for a few hours...". This one tasted the best!

Photo of the happy bird --- :lol:
994053_10202632240272299_552778209_n.jpg
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Last edited by Mad_Scientist on 03 Dec 2013, 04:50, edited 38 times in total.
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Post #65 made 4 years ago
THAT IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"All I know is that the beer is good and people clamor for it. OK, it's free and that has something to do with it."
Bobbrews
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Post #66 made 4 years ago
I wanted to say exactly what 2trout said since I saw your post MS but never had time until now. Good on ya ;). I only noticed the remote control today :lol:
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Post #69 made 4 years ago
Rick - That is very disturbing!!! :lol:
G B
I spent lots of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I squandered
I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep
I ONCE gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life
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Post #71 made 4 years ago
TWO COWS

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...
G B
I spent lots of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I squandered
I've stopped drinking, but only when I'm asleep
I ONCE gave up women and alcohol - it was the worst 20 minutes of my life
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Post #72 made 4 years ago
That took a lot of work and good knowledge of how things don't work (and is very accurate)!
Thanks for the fun!
tap 1 Raspberry wine
tap 2 Bourbon Barrel Porter
tap 3 Czech Pilsner
tap 4 Triple IPA 11% ABV

Pipeline: Mulled Cider 10% ABV

http://cheesestradamus.com/ Brewers challenge!
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Post #73 made 4 years ago
Here's some to add and/or repeat :)...

A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them is a horse
Last edited by PistolPatch on 20 Feb 2014, 19:27, edited 38 times in total.
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Post #74 made 4 years ago
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road."

:shoot:
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